January.12th.1999
Past issues are available. o (11.1.98) o (11.11.98) o (11.16.98) o (11.17.98) Greetings Russell Readers! We at 8 Russell would like to welcome you to the new year. We Russells have been here, in 1999, for a little over a month thanks to Matt's handy time machine! --Which reminds me, Jon B. don't eat the capers next Tuesday, TRUST ME! - - - - - - - - - -
Lately, I have noticed that I seem attractive to 55-year-old overweight men. The most recent incident occured in the sauna of the Westin Hotel at Copley this past weekend, where I was asked several personal questions by an unclothed older man while he touched himself in a suggestive manner. I am not comfortable with this. Do you think encouraging the growth of liberal amounts of body lice on myself will dissuade this kind of attention?
This is quite a dilemma! Fifty-five year-old overweight men should not be subjecting their respiratory or circulatory systems to extreme conditions like a sauna. For, you see, the behavior exhibited is purely a reaction to this environment. Studies have shown that when subjected to extreme heat and humidity, overweight men over 50 become deluded into thinking that anyone under 30 years old and two hundred pounds is an incredibly beautiful woman, who's hankering for a hunka, hunka, sweaty, old man.
This behavior is a evolutionary throw back in the Portly-Fifty-Something-Male to a more primitive center of the brain. We know this because similar behavior has been observed in several species of primates, mainly the Gorillus Gobothwayus. Their brain and body size closely match that of the P.F.S.M.
The mating season for this particular Gorilla is in the middle of the hot, steamy summer of the jungle. The conditions can be likened to that of sitting in a car, parked in direct sunlight, with the windows rolled up and the back seat full of sweaty towels. It drives the gorilla into a state of dementia. The gorilla's only focus becomes mating, and in its delusional state it can determine very little about its prospective mate.
Cases have been reported of gorillas found attempting to mate with such things as trees, logs, dogs, humans, a moped, Sigourney Weaver, a file cabinet and a ham sandwich.
So, there you have it. It's not YOU, it's them. Next time you have this experience in a sauna, do one of two things if you want it to cease:
1) Throw your nearest friend in front of you and run away with your hands over your privates, screaming "I'm NOT A GORILLA!!!"
2) Put a rubber glove on your head and crow like a rooster, while making threatening pecking motions with your "beak" in the direction of the aggressor. (This works well in a myriad of situations)
One other word to the wise...Gorrillas love to eat lice.
So long for now,
Chris of Russell
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